Breaking! Exclusive to DailyKos. Startling admission from Floridian Bush reveals missing future. Daring thieves may have exploited a loophole in export laws allowing a Bush political future to be freely exported despite near-biblical world-destroying powers.
"No tengo futuro (I have no future)," Jeb Bush told Spanish-language reporters in Miami, when asked about any possible political ambitions after he steps down next month.
http://today.reuters.com/...
Suitcase found at airport points to Iran. Homeland Security czar Chertoff to deploy specially trained dynastic-future-sniffing dogs. Tony Snow, ominously: "The terrorists are about to discover who has the larger and firmer resolve."
The story behind the story after the jump.
A disconsolate Jeb Bush's disclosure, initially misinterpreted by Fox linguistic specialists to mean that he had no immediate plans to tango, has thrown Florida and much of the nation into turmoil. While there was early speculation that the Floridian governor's future had simply been misplaced, the discovery of a suitcase that was mistakenly rerouted to Dulles, Virginia instead of Tehran has galvanized the national security establishment and reenergized dormant White House plans to confront Iran. Among other items, the suitcase reportedly contained a Lonely Planet Guide to South Beach in Farsi and a signed Christmas card from Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
At a hastily called news conference earlier today, a newly invigorated Dick Cheney did not mince words: "We have every reason to believe that the missing future is on its way to Iran at this very moment." Responding to a barrage of questions, Homeland Security Chief Chertoff revealed for the first time the existence of elite teams of canines and their handlers, trained to locate the elusive Continuation of Dynasty, known by its official acronym as COD. "Obviously the first hours are crucial," said Chertoff, "but we take some solace in the fact that a decaying COD is actually much easier for the dogs to detect than a fresh one."
Eager to diffuse the growing international crisis, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad declared in a quicktime movie on his website that Iran had nothing to hide and welcomed U.N. inspection teams to Iran, noting at the same time that Iran had recently decided to sponsor an international Jeb Bush caricature contest.
Conservative columnist William Kristol was uncharacteristically blunt in his assessment of the circumstances that led to the daring theft of the Bush political future: "Two words," said Kristol. "Sandy Berger." Kristol went on to assert that former Carter administration official Berger's bungled theft of top-secret Clinton-era counter-terrorism documents was in fact an attempt to destroy the evidence that both Clinton and Carter had been warned that the Bush dynastic future was in jeopardy and did nothing about it.
Meanwhile, Jeb Bush was in seclusion at the family compound in Kennebunkport awaiting further developments and receiving counseling from his brother, Marvin. Sources report that an offer of assistance from self-proclaimed missing future expert Ted Haggard was politely declined. Although this could not be confirmed, rumors swirl that Jeb's son George P., affectionately known to the Secret Service as "Last Chance COD," had been placed in a special underground vault in an unnamed South American country where his dynastic future could be safeguarded from future disasters until he is ready to run for office in 2016.